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The Caldron

The Caldron

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Who Am I?
June 22, 2023

How To Assure You’ll Be Accepted To College


*The following piece is purely satirical and meant for entertainment purposes only

On March 12, 2019, federal prosecutors in Boston released that fifty people were involved in a scandal in order to get their children into prestigious universities. The breaking news quickly spread around the country and soon seniors began clamoring about the unjust event. No one could believe it; children around the country had actually

college scandal

sent in truthful college application through the Common App and submitted their real standardized test scores. As tensions rose at James Caldwell High School surrounding the scandal, the administration decided it was time to call in a professional college counselor to calm the current junior’s nerves.

A week later, the students were bustled into the high school auditorium as William Rick Singer took the stage. Looking out over the anxious students waiting for advice, Singer began the speech he had been rehearsing since news of the scandal first broke out.

“The first thing I want to assure you all is that this scandal is true. The cases released by the US District Court for the District of Massachusetts are one hundred perfect accurate. There were several students who were caught submitting genuine applications through the old Common Application and getting into universities such as Georgetown, UCLA, and Stanford. While many of you may be disturbed by these outrageous measures for students, I am here today to guide you and where to go next. What exactly can a high school junior do after these events?”

“Well, the first thing you must do, starting today even, is making sure your parents have enough money in their bank accounts to pay off different parties. The more money your parents have, the better! Any and all of it can be used to secure your position in an elite institution, especially if one of your parents is a famous actress, a resort owner, a fashion designer, a businessman/women, or a CEO, it is imperative you sit down and have this conversation with them. Find out how much they are willing to put aside for you, whether it be $75,000 to $500,000.”

“Next, devise a way to have someone else take your standardized tests for you. Most of you have probably already started or completed this process. I would get in contact with a psychologist around this area who will be able to get you a falsified disability report for your testing day. These normally cost somewhere around $5,000. Then comes the tricky part, so listen closely. You and your family must come up with an emergency so the test can be taken in a private location. Some of the best college admission counselors will even fly you out to their testing centers! Or, if this method isn’t right for you, it is always possible to have someone pose for you the day of the test. Remember, 1,600 or 36 is the goal, so make sure the person taking it can get as close as possible.”

“However, the best way to punch your ticket to the elite institution is by bribing athletic staff and coaches. In your application, make sure to include that you play a sport that will make you stand out. Add the most outrageous stats to make yourself seem like a top recruit, and the rest will be taken care of. Some popular options I have seen over the past few years have been crew, tennis, and soccer. Once the money is transferred to the coach, your name will be passed to the admission office for almost guaranteed admission. Students who want to go the extra mile will even photoshop their faces onto photographs of other people for complete documentation. And for students who don’t feel like sports are for them, start a YouTube channel! Becoming an influencer is a great way to show you care about your education. Once you get into one of these universities, you may even be lucky enough for Amazon to pay for your entire dorm room.”

“I know these seem like turbulent times for everyone fighting for a position to get into college. We must not become disheartened by the recent application scandal. For the students like you, working hard to get your bribes in on time and picking the best stand in test takers, you deserve to be rewarded. Your parents deserved to be rewarded for their dedication, were as the parents involved in the scandal did too little to aid their students. The universities involved in the scandal are working diligently to make sure the students see repercussions and will be thrown out as soon as possible. I am certain that this scandal will pass over soon but until they do, I hope you carry and follow the recommendations I have given you today. Thank you for your time.”  

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