Net Neutrality is Un-American

Jordan Whiting

The following piece is purely satirical and meant for entertainment purposes only.

There has been heated debate recently over the proposed repeal of Net Neutrality. Net Neutrality is the outdated notion of allowing a free baseline internet speed for all web-users. Repealing Net Neutrality would give Americans the wonderful privilege of paying their internet service providers (ex. Optimum, Comcast) regular fees to prevent their internet from slowing down. Now I know what you’re thinking: repealing Net Neutrality will be the best decision the United States has made since we dragged on the Vietnam War, and you are absolutely correct. America was built on the core principle of overbearing corporations taking away the rights of citizens which is precisely why repealing Net Neutrality aligns with American values.


Some citizens of the United States were interviewed about why they chose their stance on this issue. One Idaho man said, “The first thing I think about whenever I turn on my laptop computer to surf the interweb is how great it would be to pay money for this service that I already get for free.” Another woman from Mississippi commented, “I can’t stand it anymore! My internet is too fast! Whenever I switch pages, the pictures on the screen shift so quickly, hurting my eyes. Repealing Net Neutrality will slow down my internet speed and preserve my eyesight and sanity.”

Another disgusting aspect of Net Neutrality is the fact that people can access the internet at the same speed whether they are wealthy or financially disadvantaged. “I’m tired of paupers having access to an internet as fast as mine,” complained a millionaire investor in Comcast. The internet was designed to separate the economic classes of America, and repealing Net Neutrality will finally allow this dream to come true.

This is proof that our President cares about lower and middle class Americans, as these motions are being taken by the FCC under his administration. After eight years of Obama relentlessly declining the American people the privilege of paying for something they previously had for free, we are finally moving one step closer to America’s founding goals of massive corporate business control and a wide chasm of economic inequality.