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The Caldron

The Caldron

The Caldron

Photo courtesy of Billboard.
The Holdovers Review
February 20, 2024

Test Your Way to Success

The end goal in life is obviously to be successful with a fancy, six-figure job. Starting in preschool, schools teach us the skills and knowledge we need in order to think critically, become a valued and active citizen, and essentially thrive in this world. Supposedly, all of that learning is going to land us exactly where we want to be one day, but I think I’ve come up with a better way of obtaining that high-paying job we all desire.

Honestly, who cares about life skills and all that fluff? No, what we need to focus on are standardized tests. The quick and easy route to that high salary we all want is by acing standardized tests which will get us straight into college. So, instead of class periods filled with analyzing primary documents, mathematical equations, and great literature (that’s ridiculous), we just need full school days of practice tests. No more individual tests and assignments for every single subject.

The best part about this new curriculum is that you will get the opportunity to take every single standardized test available. You’ll no longer have to decide whether to take the SAT or the ACT because now you’ll be taking the SAT, ACT, and PSAT multiple times in the course of one week! These standardized tests used to be introduced to high schoolers only, but that is way too late if you want to ace these tests and be successful in life. Instead, this curriculum will be implemented beginning when your education begins, and yes, that means Pre-K through 12th grade.

test your way caldron

I haven’t even mentioned the most useful aspect of this curriculum. The constant standardized testing will allow for an easy way to rank students. Great, isn’t it? In a time filled with teenage depression and anxiety that stems from the endless pressures of school, being able to directly compare yourself to all the other students is an added benefit of this new curriculum. Think about it…there will always be a number that represents you and your abilities, and that number is any one of your multiple test scores. It’s brilliant. If you have low scores on all the tests, you can be absolutely sure that you are a failure in life, and you will never attain that successful future you wanted.

So let’s give a round of applause to the genius who thought of this new method of achieving success (that’s me) because it’s going to solve all of our problems.

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