“Is it better to speak or to die?” Words are powerful and hold lasting effects when said. Words can change something, fix something, end something, or maybe do nothing at all; so why not just speak while you still have the time to? 

The novel If He Had Been with Me was recommended to me by Mrs. Spina. Her words when describing this book to me were, “it will make you cry so much; it’s touching” (Spina), and oh how I cried once I finished it… 

If He Had Been with Me by Laura Nowlin is a teenage romance novel that tells the story of two childhood best friends whose mothers were also friends. However, after middle school, they “lose” touch when they are with their friend groups. The main characters are Finnigan and Autumn. Throughout the novel, you can see the love between the two. Even as friends, they were not only inseparable but admirably loyal. Once in high school, the two begin drifting apart as Finny is more “popular” and sporty and Autumn is the “outcast” who chooses to stand out in her own way. Finny and Autumn live next door to each other, so they obviously had to see each other with their mothers and whatnot, but the tension couldn’t even be cut through; just like Niagara Falls, you cannot stop the overpouring of water that acts like a barrier in front of the rocks and cliff. 

Despite the two losing touch and love with each other, readers see the novel through Autumn’s perspective the entire time. She brings up Finny on almost every page, even on the pages when she talks about her boyfriend, Jamie. Autumn is always thinking of Finny, even when they don’t speak: she tries to hate him, but memories in her heart only allow her to for so long. Even when Finny and Autumn are in their own relationships and friend groups, the two still have a spark that somehow brings them back together again. He still cares for Autumn even when she does not think he does. When he found out his girlfriend, Sylvie, was not treating Autumn nicely, he broke up with her until she apologized in person to Autumn. Finny would never allow Autumn to be hurt, especially if it was somehow him that caused her to be hurt. He never forgot about her.

 If you do not want the ending of this novel spoiled, I would recommend you stop reading here. 

In the end, Autumn and Finny begin speaking to each other after graduating high school and slowly drifting apart from their friend groups. It only takes one moment alone for them to finally speak about their true feelings for one another. By reconnecting, they realize what everyone, including the reader[s], knew all along: they were infatuated with each other. The distance that once ended what they had as children brings them back together, stronger than ever. When they finally realized that they wanted to be together, they decided to finalize being boyfriend and girlfriend. However, Finny was still with Sylvie, so he planned to leave Autumn that night, break up with Sylvie, and then come back to be with Autumn like he always dreamed of. 

When he was in the car with his girlfriend,” they were arguing when suddenly the car spins out and crashes off the road, hitting a telephone pole. Finny was fine, but Sylvie had been thrown out of the window and onto the road. Finny immediately gets out of the car and goes to see if she is okay because it is raining and the telephone pole falls. When he rested his hand in a puddle of water next to Sylvie’s hand, a wire was also there that instantly killed him. Finny was dead, and Autumn was home awaiting his return. Yes, Finny died, but if the two of them never confessed their love for each other after many years, then neither of them would have gotten the chance to be together again, even if it was for a short time. Even though Finny dies, he dies knowing the girl he loved loved him back just as much, even more. Autumn loses the love of her life, but she gets to live knowing Finny was always hers: he loved her back. They loved each other, and they both knew.

Personally, once I finished this book, I was a mess. I was crying because of how upset I was that Finny and Autumn did not get their full time together, as I and many other readers had hoped they would The book was beautiful. I just wish the ending did not end how it did; nonetheless, when the ending describes how Autumn continues to carry herself after his death, it touched me even more. Many readers have given mixed reviews on the ending of the novel. They feel it was abrupt and came out of nowhere (Goodreads).

The author Laura Nowlin came out with another novel titled If Only I Had Told Her, this February sixth. It is from Finny’s perspective, but also Jamie’s, her boyfriend. I have not read it, but I hope to love it just as much as I loved the other book. I hope to be brought to tears as I had been once before. Laura Nowlin created such a beautiful book and the fact that readers will now get to see Finny’s perspective too will only make the entire novel “series” better. Laura Nowlin feels this book will touch readers more as she wanted to deliver more for readers just as much as she did in her previous book (PublishersWeekly). This book is not yet in our JCHS library, but the first novel is, and I highly encourage students to read these books!

“If it is meant to be it will return to you. 

It is better to speak than to die without speaking at all.”