By: Emmanuelle Feria
*The following piece is purely satirical and meant for entertainment purposes only*
Donning our colorful masks while strolling through the store, we encountered a critical threat. Armed with unsound reason and threatening infection as per the coronavirus, we spot it. An Anti-Masker.
These individuals, notorious for fervently and adamantly protesting the wearing of masks, have come to be known as anti-maskers. Anti-maskers are predominantly white people, leading Gen Z internet culture to include anti-masker women under the umbrella of “Karens,” which previously only encapsulated entitled, racist white middle-aged women. While not all anti-maskers belong to the same demographic, it seems that all anti-maskers are consistently supportive of the same selfish, cult-like agenda. There are many anti-maskers in America alone, blindly subscribing to the idea that the virus is non-existent and that they are invincible from any, if all potential risks of neglecting to wear one. Nevermind that they have to meet six feet apart to protest against a common belief, they’ll break that rule too. In fact, there have been recent anti-masker protests in a Target in South Florida, along with a protest in St George, Utah. And yes, you guessed it, the protesters weren’t wearing masks or social distancing. If they were wearing masks, the masks would likely say something along the lines of “I’m being forced to wear this” or “This mask is useless”. However, most anti-maskers opt out of wearing masks altogether. What does it matter to them, anyway? The virus is a hoax.
While these people may seem extraordinarily foolish for their decisions, contrary to popular belief, there is logic and soundness to their argument. We don’t really need masks to survive. We’ve done just fine without them. They’re just a plot to oppress the American people! To these mostly white, middle-class Americans, there’s nothing more oppressive than having to wear a mask, although not being able to get haircuts was pretty oppressive, making it immensely difficult for these “Karens” to maintain their signature bob. Nevermind that mask use will help lower COVID cases and protect the wearers and those around them, as well as the countless scientific evidence justifying mask wearing. Masks are clearly infringing on Americans’ 28th amendment right, the right to refuse to wear a cloth covering during a pandemic. It’s shocking that any lawmaker or scientist would try and deny these oppressed white Americans the rights that they fought for for so long. Six months of oppression and still no protection of this constitutional right.
Another reason why society should defend and welcome anti-maskers with open arms, (ahem socially distanced, of course) is that masks are suffocating and hard to breathe in. Sure, the general population is only out and about in masks for a couple hours in general, but you can’t blame anti-maskers! They’re all prone to difficulty breathing! Their medical conditions, though unproved and based on no evidence whatsoever–and potentially symptoms of COVID-19– are still valid and must be accommodated for. Anyways, the masks are too thick to provide proper aeration and ventilation, especially for the high-risk population of anti-maskers. Anti-maskers are also allergic to common sense safety protocol, particularly mask wearing, which aggravates their symptoms. This condition includes an inability to maintain social distance, as anti-maskers are physically unable to stay away from other people. Nevermind that even children are able to wear masks and that their education is at stake if the country does re-enter a state of lockdown due to increased COVID cases. The comfort of an individual is obviously more important than the overall wellbeing of children and of society.
Additionally, masks are a tool of mind control and are used to control the people. Doctors and Scientists are obviously over-exaggerating in order to manipulate the masses, despite their career commitment to helping others and their overzealousness in their attempts to create and supply a vaccine.
Though anti-maskers have stolen the slogan “my body, my choice” — demeaning the cause for women’s rights — this is completely excusable. After all, being told to wear a mask is obviously equally oppressive to being told you don’t have the right to control your own body– a robust argument defending the heroic anti-maskers.
If anti-maskers value their own so-called “rights” and “freedoms” over their own and public safety, so be it. If anti-maskers want to degrade themselves and America through their foolish parades, then they should have the freedom to do so. Let anti-maskers become the mascots of America, bringing with them a vision of a “free” country full of coronavirus infections.