By: Julie Schmidt
The following piece is a satirical story, regarding the recent presidential election; it is strictly meant for entertainment purposes and is not based on factual evidence.
In 2016, Donald Trump underwent a grueling campaign against Hillary Clinton and came out on top as our new President of the United States. Debating and competing against such an aggressive and manipulating woman as Hillary Clinton cannot have been easy. This is why Donald Trump sat down in a recent interview to discuss how he managed to beat Hillary Clinton and win the presidency.
“You know, it was a long and hard fight for the presidency. It was. Hillary stood no chance against me though. She stood no chance,” Donald Trump said. “She didn’t have the resources that I had.” When asked what resources he could possibly have that Hillary did not, Donald laughed and replied, “It’s all about my pockets.” Upon further questioning, Donald elaborated and explained the “magic” of his pockets. “It’s one of those huge perks of being a man. The pockets. I’ve got big pockets. Hillary doesn’t,” Donald explained.
“I’m sorry. I’m not sure I am following. Your ‘big pockets’ helped you win the election?” The interviewer asked Donald. Donald leaned forward and gestured for the interviewer to do the same.
“The pockets held everything I could possibly have needed,” Donald explained gleefully. “I kept three specific items with me during the entire election process. They helped me win. Hillary couldn’t have competed with my pockets. Women’s pockets are small, even in a pantsuit. I’m a man. I’ve got big pockets.”
“May we have a look as to what is inside your pockets?” The interviewer inquired. Donald nodded and reached into his pockets. One by one, he placed the three items onto the table next to him. The interviewer picked up the book Donald had just placed down and leafed through it. “What is this?”
“Ah – that is my dictionary. I wrote it myself. Hillary thinks she can brainwash the citizens of America with her fancy vocabulary. Well, I blew her out of the water with my dictionary filled with words that I came up with,” Donald bragged. “And it’s not just words. It’s a dictionary of important dates and important things to remember when I need to pretend that I care about other people’s religions or traditions. See? When I need to pretend to know about the Bible, I have my notes in here about the ‘ii Corinthians’.”
Picking up a piece of fuzz, the interviewer asked, “Mr. Trump…what…is this?”
“Hillary is a woman. She doesn’t understand that appearances matter in order to win the election. I won because I took care of my physical appearance. That is one of my many toupees. Covers up my ‘yuge’ bald spot,” Donald explained.
Pointing to a medium-sized bottle, Donald continued, saying, “This is one of the most important items that helped me win ‘bigly’. It is a bottle of essential oils that builds my confidence, boosts my ego. Whenever I feel like I need to act more conceited, I take a whiff of this. Before the debates, I would dump a whole bottle of this on my face, my hands, and my clothes. I would walk out there, and I would show America just how narcissistic I could be. Hillary just could not beat me.”
Soon the interview came to a close, and Donald was thanked for sharing his secrets to winning the election and for leaving the American public a little wiser. We all are excited to see what he adds to his pockets as he begins his presidency. Perhaps he will have written another book regarding the mastery of sexism and racism. Whatever it is, we cannot wait to find out what this genius has in store.